Worksheet #3: Are your life choices negatively affecting your sex life?

Make a change toward better sex in 2023. Start today.

“Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other people’s.” - Anaïs Nin

It’s nearing the end of the year, which for me is always a great time to reflect on what’s working and what’s not - both in everyday life, and my sex life. Once there’s some clarity around what’s not working, I enjoy getting clear on what I can do to change, beginning today.

If you’re like me, and you enjoy a little guidance to help you get clear on what needs to change, here’s some ideas below. These questions are ones I reflect on regularly, so don’t be afraid to revisit these throughout the year.

Also, remember not to overcomplicate your answers. Making big changes starts with little steps (and the simple awareness that you’d like to do things differently). I’ve kept the questions below very simple, sticking to my favourite saying, ‘Less is more’.

Grab a cuppa and pen and paper, let’s get started.

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Lack of boundaries. 

Maintaining healthy boundaries with lovers, family, friends and colleagues is a foundation of self-respect and self-love. Without clear boundaries we can end up saying yes, when in fact deep down we mean no (in all areas of life, not just our sex lives).

Personal example: This year we were due to go down to Sydney for Xmas. I noticed myself feeling unsettled at the thought of driving down, and checked in with what I need at this season in my life. I need rest. I need quality time with Nick and our kids. And I need spaciousness. Going to Sydney for Xmas would not have gifted me any of these things. So I had the tricky conversation with Nick and told him I didn’t want to go spend Xmas with his family. And surprisingly, he said that if what I need right now is to stay home, then let’s stay home. This is an example of initially saying ‘yes’, when in fact I should have said ‘no’. And then having a tricky conversation to ask for what I truly want, and what my boundaries are right now around my time and space.

So here’s some questions for you:

When did you last say ‘yes’, when in fact you meant ‘no’?

What area of your life do you feel you could have stronger boundaries? (eg. relationship, sex, work, family, children, health … the list goes on)

What boundary do you need to set today, that supports you to feel more more freedom and pleasure moving into 2023? 

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Resentment. 

Resentment creates tension and contraction, inhibiting the flow of our sexual energy. Resentment is the number one killer in relationships, guaranteed.

Personal example: When I don’t ask Nick to get up and settle Sol when he wakes at night, and instead pretend I’m cool re-settling him all the time, I feel resentment toward Nick that he’s sleeping lots and I’m not. This isn’t cool! Because if I’m not asking specifically for what I need as a Mother, then how does Nick know what he can do to best support me? And what right do I have to feel resentment toward him when in fact he’s doing nothing wrong?

I really hate it when resentment creeps into our relationship. The first step is to acknowledge it when it’s coming up, then communicate what changes need to be made.

Here’s a couple of questions to help weed out any resentment that may be brewing in your life:

Do you feel resentment toward anyone or anything in your life? Who, what and why?

Is there an unmet need in your life/relationship you are not addressing? Be brave and initiate the conversation you’ve been avoiding. 

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Poor food choices. 

A gentle reminder that your food is your fuel and will directly affect how you feel and how your sexual energy flows. Choose unprocessed, fresh and if possible, organic food. Your body and sex centre will love you for it!

Personal example: Recently I got back into chocolate (it’s my ultimate weakness, I love it!) Now here’s the thing, a piece of organic choc every now and then is perfectly okay, but I was on the daily intake! So I made a commitment to cut it out for a month and wow, I felt so much better without all that sugar and caffeine in my system! I also felt immediately more inspired to exercise more and eat healthier food again. It’s these simple little changes that make all the difference, right?

Here’s a couple of simple questions to help you make some changes in 2023:

What food choices will support you to feel better in your body from today onward?

What support do you need from friends and family to make these changes? Is there a conversation needed to be had around how they can best support you?

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Going to a job that we hate. 

Our career choices directly affect our sex lives. This area of our life is often overlooked, however if we’re stressed at work, the impact it can have on our libido is huge. If we’re heading to work feeling uninspired, overworked and overwhelmed, our libido will begin to shut down and our joy in life will diminish.

Personal example: Mid this year I felt stress creep in big time. I was running two companies and parenting two kids and it was all too much. So I made the decision to sell one of my companies … and what a difference it made! As soon as the sale went through I felt much less stress in my nervous system and immediately my libido bounced back. For the first time in ages I felt like I began to prioritise intimacy again (both with myself, and with Nick).

“Our desire for sex (especially partner sex) can be depleted by, among other things, anxiety, depression, antidepressants, lack of work, overwork, or even an obsession with our children. It’s not that we don’t have time for sex, it’s just that other things seem more important, necessary, or enjoyable than sex. Ironically, sex is probably just the thing to alleviate the depression, exhaustion, anxiety and depression.” - Barbara Carellas

If you’re feeling a little ‘off’ about your work situation, ask yourself these questions:

Are you truly loving the work that you choose to do, or is there a change you need to make that will support you to feel more joy in your career?

What’s holding you back from choosing a job/career that brings you more freedom, pleasure and abundance?

If a change needs to be made, what is it, and when will you implement it?

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Not acknowledging our desires.

Pushing down and repressing our sexual desire leads to huge blockages in our sexual energy channels. Listening to and expressing our desires allows us to feel more connected to our truth, it also supports us to feel more connected if we’re in an intimate relationship with another. 

Personal example: Recently I realised Nick and I were having sex to ‘make a baby’, not to truly enjoy making love! So I expressed my desire to fuck more and have more fun! That conversation immediately shifted everything and now we’re back to hot sex (and not ‘let’s have sex to make a baby sex’). Which, by the way, is a super common trap for couples to fall into when TTC. Read more about that here.

“Because we live in a society still bound by strict social conventions about sex, many women are ashamed or afraid of being aroused by sexual fantasies. Our sexual fire, however, does not obey the moral codes that we live by. In fact, our sexual imaginations are most frequently fuelled by situations that flaunt traditional moral codes: public sex, group sex, adultery, or S&M sex. Every woman must make decisions about how she wants to physically express her sexual self in life, but I want to encourage you to loosen the reins a bit on your sexual imagination.” - Mantak Chia

Here’s some simple questions to discover what you truly desire in your sex life:

Are you truly embracing your sexual desires? Or are you pushing them down and ignoring them?

If you’re pushing a desire down (or many desires), what is it? Write it down in detail.

Make time this week to talk about your desires with a friend, partner or someone close to you who you trust. Or if you’re not ready to speak them out loud, take pen to paper and jot them down in your private journal.

6 Questions to Support You to Enjoy a Great Sex Life in 2023:

What am I enjoying about our sex life?

What am I not enjoying?

What do I want more of?

What do I want less of?

What do I want to bring in to our sex play that we’re not currently doing?

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ASK JULIET! Got a question for me to answer in the January Q&A? Comment below, or email hello@juliet-allen.com and I will do my very best to answer it for you in the next ASK JULIET. Listen to December’s Q&A here.

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